Sol and I are over in the UK, staying with my English family while I finish up my PhD and do some extra training. Sol is splashing in the sea, riding Dainty and Annie, her favourite donkeys on Weymouth Sands, running up and down cliff paths, picking flowers, learning how to do laundry with Granny and playing with the wooden farm and zoo animals that my brother and I loved as children. She also goes to these mad events at the local Childrens’ Centre during which she hugs people, jumps into paddling pools, sings incy wincy spider even when that’s not what’s happening, plays bongos, beams or makes duck noises at everyone and generally has a trippy joy filled time.
Kris has stayed in New Zealand. He is planting trees with his business, Wildwood Ecoforestry, surfing waves onto the Winter beach and planning our next dwelling place.
We struggled to find childcare in Dunedin and I was homesick for family, so it made sense to be here. We ran the decision through our guiding words: devotion, play, truth, and it fitted all of them. It fits our truth. We are each growing and developing independently while loving each other deeply and giving that love further space to develop.
(An obligatory PS for those worried about Sol missing out on time with her daddy. When we speak – nearly every day -, Sol brings whatever she’s into to show Kris: a bucket, a wooden block, a hair slide, a scrap of newspaper, and runs to the screen yelling ‘Dada!’ with her arms outstretched when his face pops up. This morning, he was drinking a cup of tea and she made him wait while she went to get her cup from the kitchen so she could ‘Cheers’ him. Still, if I want her to do anything she is reluctant to, like keep her socks on, accept Bonjela, wear a hat, I’ll say: ‘like daddy,’ and she immediately and with a serious expression, acquiesces. He remains her total hero.)
We have always wanted time apart and, although everyone is polite enough not to generally bring it up, it’s something I know lots of people are confused by. How can you not want to be with each other always? How can you bear to be apart? Don’t you miss each other? Don’t you essentially love each other enough?
This full moon has me absolutely knowing deep in my bones, that we are doing the right thing. Yesterday, after a swim, I lay on the hot stones of Chesil Beach and nearly cried with how much I love Kris. How much our relationship has carried this year and how much it has grown to encompass the deep and huge emotions that we have experienced.
When we got married, the homily by the priest – who said he didn’t understand our ‘together but sometimes apart’ relationship, but really must have done deep down – was woven around a beautiful story from an Eastern text about two trees on either side of a river bank who bend together to intertwine their branches. They grow together, and lean towards each other for support and to reach the sun, but still a river runs through them. A blissful space of freedom, fluidity, fresh energy, tranquility, sustenance for their roots.
I loved this at the time and recently have found its deeper meaning is beginning to resonate. Kris is a very masculine man. (I can’t read that back without giggling, but it’s staying!) and my feminine energy is fairly strong, so the two trees represent the two of us as a couple, but they also stand for the duality within each individual. The feminine and the masculine energies in each of us, that intertwine, yet have this loose graceful flow between them – the river.
This full moon illuminates this same idea that all beings are free to follow their own path, as all couples are free to follow their own joint path. This moon will also illuminate where you are holding back in relation to this. Ask yourself: am I honouring my wholeness? Am I shying away from joy?
The moon is in Aquarius, the water bearer, the cool and feminine service provider, the one who gets stuff done with grace, humility and truth, thinking of her own sustenance and then sharing that with others. Coupled with our recent egress from the Lion’s Gate, as well as the blazing sun of Leo, this is an opportunity to let your whole full self shine out into the world, in service. To find your joy and offer it to others because what good is beauty if it is not shared?
Much of what prevents us from sharing our joy, and our true selves, is bound up in fear of what people might think, fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of doing the perceived wrong thing, fear of being a weirdo. Full moon is the time to release these fears. Release the fear so you can release the love into the world.
Whatever it is you might have been feeling funny about pursuing, whatever way of living you are worried about moving towards, if you think it’s okay, that’s the only thing that matters. If it feels good in your body and your soul, or if you run it through your version of an internal compass and it all points to yes, then offer it, you beautiful, unique, magnificent human.
See if you can visit a body of water, tell someone you love them (even/especially if that someone is you), make a physical manifestation of following and sharing your joy, however small that might be. And if you feel cranky, see what that’s about. Often your site of greatest resistance is where you will find your joy, your glistening, gleaming, solid and shining joy.
With so much love and flowy river vibes. xxxx
PS I would love to hear in the comments if any of this resonated with you, specially about the space in a relationship part. And if you think someone else might like to read, hit the buttons below. x
Moon photo via Pinterest – source unknown. Other two by Kate van der Drift.